Burnout – when I just don’t care anymore. When I’m so exhausted from working case after case and taking loss after loss. When it doesn’t seem worth it to try hard because the system seems built to screw over my clients, and my fire is lost. I work hard to avoid burnout, but it’s a real thing that happens.
We’ve all been there, and the way through it is community and connection. Over the span of my career, I’ve learned how to do this, and that’s given me a sustainable career in the challenging field of criminal defense.
Three years into being a public defender I experienced one of my hardest trial losses. It wasn’t super complicated, and it wasn’t the most significant sentence that I’ve had a client of mine receive. But it was the most unfair.
My client was found guilty of failing to register as a sex offender and because this was a second offense with a couple of other aggravating factors, he ended up getting twelve years in prison. It was just so wrong for this homeless man to get twelve years in prison for not being able to make it to the police department on time and register as a sex offender.
It was a really hard loss. I fought tooth and nail in that trial, and still lost every step of the way.
I got the verdict on a Thursday afternoon and I didn’t come into the office the next day. Then it was the weekend, and I was by myself and felt so dejected that I was not able to get a better outcome for this client. I was spiraling downward. Questioning myself, being hard on myself, and thinking, “What’s the point of all this? The system is so unfair, and it doesn’t matter what we do, or how much we work, or how compassionate we are, or how right we are. Our client still gets fucked every which way.” I was alone and stewing in my thoughts. This experience taught me that I have a tendency to isolate myself because I don’t want to tell anybody about the tough losses, especially when I know I should have won.
Being in that place where I’m close to giving up - It’s unhealthy for me and bad for my clients. I am committed to bringing zealous representation, and it’s not enough to just go through the motions. I have to be present with my client, I have to listen to their story. I have to hear what the facts are, to respond to their questions, to be thoughtful in the best ways to present that story to a jury, a judge, a DA. If I’m just crossing things off my list to get them done, I’m not providing the kind of representation I am ethically bound to provide.
By Tuesday, I had a friend call and say, “Hey, how are you? What’s going on with you?”
And that was what really shifted things for me. I saw how bottling up my feelings could easily lead to burnout, and I saw how critical it was that my colleagues and friends were there to help me out of that downward spiral. I saw that being around others and being open and honest about my mental state gave me the freedom to recover from the loss and keep up the fight.
Now, I’ll say if I’m tired, or I have a client that is driving me nuts. It’s important to say those things in place that is safe, with my colleagues that understand, so I can vent and shake it off and get back in there with my client.
It also helps me to make a point of celebrating victories. Especially when they’re few and far between and the going is tough. I celebrate my own wins, and I make a point to take part in celebrating others’ wins, too.
Burnout is a real thing that happens, but it doesn’t have to. Being honest about my state, being surrounded by good colleagues, and celebrating wins, however small, keeps my focus on what really matters – making a difference in the lives of my clients, fighting for the little guy and against all odds, pushing back against an unfair system, and being a badass criminal defense attorney.
If you’ve ever dealt with burnout before, how do you keep it from taking hold?
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